Week Six: And I Quote…
Its been a long time since I bluntly opened up without any cryptic talk following too far behind so I feel like I have the need to do just that right now. With that being said, I suggest you open your eyes and take everything into consideration and remember this cause I am only going to repeat things once…hopefully.
I always end up watching these movies where the main character in it, seems to have a good life from the viewers eyes and then the main character does something to fuck up and he says to himself ‘well it was only once, its not like it will happen again’ but at the end it of all he screws up too many times to come back from it and ends up dying or losing everyone around him. The thing with that is simply that if he WERE to come back from it he would tell himself ‘I came from losing everything, I’m unstoppable now’ and so the pattern continues. So what I am telling you here today is that, when do we learn from something? We can almost die and come back and feel more alive and tell our selves we are unstoppable and that we cant die and we become like a damn dare devil but the truth is we can and we will die.
Why I mention this is because I screw up so many times that I tell myself, there is no point coming back, unlike most of this miserable world, I come to my senses and I don’t expect people to take me back with my mistakes so I purposely push them away cause they don’t need me making mistakes in their life, they are better without me there..I have the balls to say that.
I herd this quote and I am not sure who said it but it goes like; “If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission” and I guess whatever mind you have you can decipher that in whatever meaning but to me it means almost what I was previously talking about and a few other blog posts back as well. I don’t wanna go through it again but make a long story short; If you want something, go fucking get it, don’t expect people to give you the courage to, don’t expect people to praise you when you do something good, cause most people are looking at you waiting for you to screw up, only so you can go back to them and pander to their needs and they can rub it in your face and I am sorry world my ego is too big for that.
The deal is, I have had people in my life whom I knew could help me but I also knew they did not deserve my rudeness sometimes and I felt like it was best to push them away, say whatever I could think of to make them realize that they shouldn’t have me in their life. I deserve people who simply use to get from point A to B cause..honestly, that what I do also.
Dont be mistaken..I am not apologizing for my misbehavior and maybe I will regret it in the past but for right now, I feel like I need to do certain things to get to my point B and people whom I meet with great personalities and amazing as eff, do not deserve my selfishness.
On that note, I am gonna stop boring you with that subject as I have probably bored you enough times on it and probably will be more times.
I guess why I wanted to write this today was because I came to a conclusion; Watching how people act while drunk pisses me off to the core as a human because we stumble around like gelatinous tapeworms wanting to show off every inch of the human body and the truth is ‘no one cares’. Guys - you aren’t auditioning for Ultimate Fighter, Dana White isn’t standing around for a fight to break out so he can make you the next Kimbo Slice and Ladies, your not on Jersey Shore so leave the drama at school. The truth of the matter is, we get drunk and act like fucking douche bags and I don’t care what you look like, if your a damn douche bag then you my friend are ugly whether your a douche bagette as well. So the conclusion and the moral I came up with here right now is that even though at times I feel like I need to drink to fit in and have a good time, I’d rather be awkward as shit then look like ‘the situation’ and his stupid little sayings so drinking will no longer be important and I will not spend money on it religiously unless there is a valid reason. At least after all the shit I gave people, I wanna at least leave with my self respect intact…if anything.
As far as ‘shirt time’ goes for myself, fuck that. Every day is hard already feeling alienated in this damn place, I don’t need to look like a fucking incompetent retard as well.
As one month of 12 comes to a close, I am learning new things and changing parts of myself I didn’t think need changed. I have a couple 50 weeks left until my burden of living here and losing parts of myself but for now I guess I must search for something more sacred…love, and I want you to show me it!
