No More Care, No More
I have probably told you this once before and you are most likely sick of hearing about me and my life and that’s why next week will be my last blog post on this blog. I mean I will not delete it but you will no longer read any new words that spout out of my head.
I thought that it would make sense now, that I would finally reveal some of myself without being cryptic all over.
You see my life has been pretty hard compared to most average lives. You are only struck with grandmothers or aunts or uncles dying of old age but I have seen death more then once, the bad kind, the kind that they don’t teach you how to handle. Of course the most hardest and most devastating death hit me first, at age 10. At that age you are not suppose to experience that kind of death because you a kid and you are suppose to have a kid life but that death, it ruined my childhood. People probably didn’t notice the difference in me and nether did I at the time but now that I think back to it, it sure did change me.. Maybe for the worst.
I can lie and say that, I remember what I felt like at the time but you know I cant seem to remember who I was or what I felt like before any of that happened. It was as if I died too and thats probably the only way I know how to explain it.
But like death, it happened in threes. The truth is, I can tell you what those deaths were but that’s not the point. The point I am displaying here is that, the reason I am how I am isn’t because I chose to be like that, it happened, it took over. The death.. It also killed me.
You are probably sitting there thinking that maybe I am only exaggerating but the only way I can help you understand is by you imaging the worst death you could witness in your life and that was my childhood.
After all those funereal, deaths, caskets, cold fingers, fake laughs, it made me realize that I simply lost the mere ability to care.. As if that was dead too. I thought the last death I experienced was the last straw and it clearly was because my ability to care, it just died, it died without me realizing until I needed to realize.
I think after all this time of deaths and sadness, I am finally coming to my old self. I guess I understand death now, it just happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Someone also helped me wake up my old self, the caring and I wanna thank her…. She may be vicious at times but I wanna thank her because I thought it was gone for good.
I still have my demons and sometimes they win and sometimes I let them win but I am finally coming to my senses and killing them when they feel like winning. My past may be fucked up and that’s what made me who I am now, but it was the past. Its time for the future. Its time, not to reflect but reminisce.
Its time for a new me. Its time for a new beginning.
I guess you can say the lion has been awaken after being in a coma for 10 years..
I wanna thank her for that.
My love.
